There are plenty of relationship red flags, but you should definitely pay close attention to the bedroom specific ones. The following signs range from slightly worrying to huge anvils hitting you over your head, signaling that might someone else might be a better fit for you after all.
1. They make fun of your fantasies.
When someone laughs so hard at your earnest explanation of what you want that they get an actual ab workout, you probably won’t feel comfortable exploring the things that excite you the most. Why stay vanilla when there’s a whole Willy Wonka world of playful toppings out there? (Except that staying vanilla is totally fine if that’s what you’re into, because all flavors are wonderful. Really, the point is that getting it on and ice cream are similar in that even the most basic things can be delicious, as can the more…inventive.)
2. They don’t care if you come or not.
If it seems like they’d rather take their chances by bungee jumping over the fiery pits of hell than even trying to get you off, it’s time to run. The worst is when they’re so hot just looking at them basically brings you to the brink, and all you’d like is the teeniest bit of help, please and thank you
3. They make weird comments about your body.
Maybe they don’t think of stretch marks as badass tiger stripes and cellulite as adorable butt dimples, but anyone you do the deed with should be cool with the fact that no one’s perfect. If they haven’t gotten the memo, let them know that even Kim Kardashian has been real about things like armpit fat and stretch marks, and anyone in bed with you is luckier than a $2 bill.
4. Or you worry they will because of how they act.
Everyone has insecurities, but if yours are fueled by the things your sex partner does outside of the bedroom—acting like a bulgy-eyed Looney Tunes character every time a hot person walks by, critiquing women’s bodies, etc.—it may only be a matter of time until it happens when you’re physically and emotionally naked.
5. They get pissed when you offer feedback.
If your “a little to the left” request is met with huffy resentment, you’re probably better off curling up with a sex toy that won’t give you the silent treatment just for being vocal. Obviously it’s OK if your partner gets a little bashful when you correct them—even constructive criticism is criticism at the end of the day, especially when you’re nude and vulnerable. But the people worth continuing with will get over that embarrassment eventually, because it’s all a part of the process.
6. They pressure you into doing things you don’t want to.
Has not ever been cool, will not ever be cool. You should always feel comfortable saying no if you’re not OK with something. If someone pushes up against that, they’re too focused on their own pleasure to do the most basic part of being a worthwhile partner: being a respectful person.
7. You get grossed out when kissing them.
Feeling a little queasy when you make out with someone might be your body’s way of telling you to abort the mission because you’re just not into this person. It can often happen when you’re trying to force yourself to like someone who doesn’t set your loins on fire but is technically “good enough.”
8. You can never enjoy it without pretending your partner is another person.
If the only way you can truly lose yourself in the moment is to mentally Photoshop Drake’s face over your partner’s, you’re probably not living your best sexual life. And then your partner might catch you whispering “Aubrey” and wonder if you’re bendin’ over backwards for someone else, which is just uncomfortable.
9. You don’t only suspect they’ve had better times in bed with other people, you know it.
Because they’ve told you as much. Maybe it was in a clueless way when expressing befuddlement that unlike their ex, who was apparently a boa constrictor with limitless jaw-unlocking abilities, you can’t deep throat like it’s NBD, or maybe they were openly mean about it. Either way, it probably makes you feel bad about yourself, and that’s the opposite of what sex should do.
10. They have outdated ideas about what’s safe.
So many safe intercourse myths abound, and it’s not necessarily your partner’s fault for believing them—maybe they just didn’t get a thorough education on the subject. But if they refuse to get up to speed, discuss when they’ve most recently been tested, or use the contraception you need to feel safe, you could be avoiding a lot of trouble down the line if you cut things off now.
11. They deal with a pregnancy scare or STI by disappearing from the face of the earth.
Try to outfit your fine china with a mental “must be this mature to ride here” sign like it’s a roller coaster, because it basically is. A roller coaster of fun.
12. You’re never on the same page.
Maybe they want sex twice a week while you’re a once-a-day woman, or you can’t get on board with their favorite bedroom activity of jack-hammering you straight into the center of the earth. The good thing is that compromise can help iron out these kinks if you’re both invested enough to make it work! It’s when you feel like you have to go along with things that don’t really please you that this might be a deal breaker.
13. Their obsession with making you come routinely psychs out your climax.
While your partner should always hold your pleasure in equal standing with theirs, sometimes going overboard can spook your clitoris like it’s a startled mare. If you explain you don’t need an orgasm to have a good time (or you do, but it’s just not going to happen this time around), ideally your partner will accept it so you can both continue on without feeling any pressure. But if they diddle away until they’re practically in Carpal Tunnel territory or act like there’s something wrong with your body, it’s a no-go.
14. They freak out about normal bodily functions.
If queef-shaming were an Olympic sport, they’d win the gold. Of course the human body can make some undeniably interesting noises, especially when two of them get together for sex, so laughing is to be expected. It should just be with you, not at you, and vice versa.
15. And they’re only nice to you during sex or right after.
It’s lovely when someone whispers sweet nothings in your ear, but less so when you eventually realize their promises were more nothing than sweet. Even if you’re so attracted to them they make your vagina pound like it’s an actual heart, it’s not worth it if their actions don’t back up their words.