You’ve met someone amazing, you’ve fallen for him, and you couldn’t be more certain that he is the one for you. The only complication is that you are already in a relationship with someone else. While you may be seriously thinking about leaving your partner for the new man in your life, there are certain serious questions that you need to ask yourself before making this life-changing decision.
1) What led to this new attachment?
The most important question to ask yourself is how you came to form this bond with someone other than your primary partner. While it may seem as though the connection developed because this man truly is unusually compatible with you (and this might indeed even be true), it is vital to consider what state your primary relationship was in before you became attracted to someone new. Have you and your partner grown apart? Are you going through a particularly rough patch after a loss or another difficult life experience? Were you right on the cusp of a major life decision, such as whether to get married or have children?
Any or all of these issues could mean that your new attraction has more to do with your preexisting relationship than it does with the individual you’ve fallen for. If you’re considering leaving your partner for him, then you must at least be willing to ask yourself hard questions about whether he was just in the right place at the right time. If this crisis in your life has more to do with your relationship with your partner than it does with the unique qualities of your new love, the new relationship is unlikely to last.
2) Will the reality match the fantasy?
When you’re head over heels for someone and dealing with all the heightened emotions of forbidden love, it’s easy to imagine that finally being with this person will provide endless joy, excitement and satisfaction. However, things will change when you are in a legitimized relationship with your new lover, and you will have to tackle the same everyday issues (such as finances, chores and compromises) that plague the relationship you’re currently thinking of leaving. In addition, ask yourself how well you know the new man in your life. How much time have you spent together? Do you know his bad sides as well as his good? At this stage, you could be idealizing him as a solution to all of life’s problems, but the truth is that he is another human being with all of the flaws and complexities that you have encountered in everyone else.
3) What does this situation tell you about your new love?
It is also worth pausing to reflect on what your situation can teach you about the new man’s personality, intentions, needs and values. Of course, what you will conclude will depend on the specifics of your case. If the person you’ve fallen for has insisted on a lack of physical intimacy or time spent alone until you leave your current partner, he may be a victim of circumstance rather than someone who deserves to be judged for becoming involved with you. However, if you’re seeing someone who has actively pursued you while knowing you are taken, or if he has pushed for as much sexual intimacy as possible, what does this tell you? At best, he might have low self-esteem. At worst, he might thrive in these types of situations, in which case you really need to ask yourself how you can possibly know that he won’t do this again (with another woman).
4) How will this decision influence the new relationship?
Assuming that you really have met someone who would be a good match, and assuming that this man doesn’t make a habit of involving himself in infidelity or chasing women with partners, you need to think about how your choice will shape your new relationship. If you’ve actually slept together or even had an emotional affair, how will each of you cope with knowing that the other is capable of straying? If you’ve lied to cover your tracks, what will that knowledge do to your ability to trust each other? While it is possible for a relationship to succeed even after beginning while another one was still going on, it is a highly complex scenario and moving beyond it will require lengthy, candid conversations between you and your new lover.
5) Do you have a history of similar experiences?
Finally, is this the first time that you have fallen for someone while in a committed relationship with someone else? If you’re currently living through a familiar story that has occurred several times in your relationship history, it is worth taking a close look at why. Do you find it hard to commit to one person? Is it possible that you would be happier in an open relationship? These are all questions that can help you explore what it is about you that might be drawing you towards infidelity. If you begin to think that unresolved issues could be pulling you to repeatedly play out this story, you might benefit from seeing a relationship counselor who could help you gain more self-knowledge and figure out what you want from your love life.
Have you been thinking about your ex lately? Do you miss all the good times you shared together? Maybe there’s still a chance of working things out. Sometimes all it takes is a little time to learn from what happened and fix things. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that everyone should get back together. But I do know that most relationship CAN be saved. All it takes is two people that truly want to be together. If you really want to be with your ex but are having a hard time convincing them to give you another chance, click here to check out this video. I think it will really help you.