No matter how bad a breakup feels (and it will feel bad unless the relationship itself was so bad that the breakup is a relief!), it’s probably only a five on the scale of 10 worst breakups.
So if you’re trying to reach the pinnacle of worst breakups, you will probably have to do a lot better than name calling and social media shaming. Here are some lessons from historical characters to help your breakup reach top level awkwardness and terror.
(Warning: Do these things only if you’re ready for the fallout. These people were professionals at making their breakups worse.)
1. Start sending some “gifts.”
Are you just sending your ex a whole bunch of weird texts? That’s nothing! You need to send actual objects. In the mail. Take a lesson from Caroline Lamb, who responded to her breakup with Lord Byron by chopping off a chunk of her pubic hair, sending it to him, and requesting that he send some of his back. He didn’t – but he did later send her a lock of his new girlfriend’s hair, which is awful. And that’s not all! Burning in effigies, theft, shouting matches, tell-alls and angry responses to tell-alls accompanied this gloriously horrific breakup. Such an inspiration.
2. That said, send lots of letters.
The fact that Morton Fullerton – a serial novelist seducer – broke up with Edith Wharton didn’t stop her from writing him hundreds of letters. He mostly declined to reply to them, possibly because their relationship only lasted a few months. But, look, Edith Wharton ended up writing some of the best novels you’ll ever read and living out her life on the French Riviera, so it wasn’t all for nothing. So, write those 2,000+ texts! You’re just practicing your craft.
3. Pretend your ex was a ghost.