The funny part about dating is that if you can just avoid most of the rather dumb mistakes many women do, you can increase your success with men by at least TWICE as much. (I’m really under-estimating that one, by the way. It’s MUCH bigger than most people assume.)
But, you see – that’s also the problem…
We become really focused on NOT making mistakes. And that approach gives off its own vibe.
It’s kind of like putting on one of those Japanese Kabuki plays where they wear so much makeup, you can’t see what the actor is really expressing underneath it all. It’s off-putting and kinda weird.
When you’re dating, you have to be absolutely sure that you DO one thing – AND – NOT do one thing when it comes to dating. I’ll reveal the one you need to do in just a second, but first… the thing you should NEVER do with a man is this:
NEVER try to hide the REAL you from him.
Contrary to what a lot of people might say, we guys aren’t that clueless. We also have a certain “male instinct” that we use to figure out what kind of a woman we’re dealing with. If we think she’s putting on a front, trying to put on her best behavior and hide away her little insecurities and things like that, we will be very cautious about her. After all, why is she playing this like a cautious poker player? Is she hiding something? Is she a gold-digger trying to lure me in? In fact, this distance could destroy trust so much that we never fully open up to you.
Of course this doesn’t mean you can’t try to hold back some of those little things you know you should. Put on a little of your “better” behavior. (It’s funny how we can do this at the start, but just can’t do it later) It’s a balancing act. We give them 90% of the real us to begin with. The other 10% is our best effort to not look so scary.
You can’t be RADICALLY honest with someone up front. You’ll scare the heck out of them, and they WILL run. It’s just not sexy to throw open your closet of insecurities and weirdness on people we’re just starting to get to know. It will kill your romantic potential.
But you also can’t be TOO caught up in the act. Small foibles of our behavior are endearing, and meeting someone that’s comfortable enough with their own shows exactly the opposite of what you might think. It looks like healthy self-esteem.
Which brings us to the most important skill of dating. The one thing you MUST be sure to show a man the first time you meet him – and just about every date after that. That one thing is simply this: ALWAYS show him some vulnerability. Vulnerability is scary, but it’s the only way to truly live a meaningful life. Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But it’s also something that all people are programmed with. If you talk to another person and they don’t extend some emotional vulnerability to you, it sends a message. It says:
1) I’m scared of you seeing me. The real me.
2) I’m guarded and I won’t let you in easily.
Now, sometimes we take this as a challenge, and there are guys who go after women precisely because of this “unavailability.” But more often than not, it’s not something we want to work for. As a comedian once said, “Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.” Which, as we know, never works!
What makes you vulnerable?
Well, there are many ways. But one of the best is to simply be revealing about stuff from your life. The easiest way to do this (without compromising your security) is simply to talk about emotional experiences from your past. Talk about a past disappointment – and then talk about how you got past it and grew even more because of it. Then, get him to reveal the same. Don’t push, but ask if he’s ever had this kind of experience. What did he learn from it?
When you get to this kind of REAL talk with a man, you’ll find that when he drops his guard a little along with you, the connection you create is POWERFUL. You can learn more ways to do this, just by clicking here: – Carlos C.